Should Have Rented Ishtar
So yea…i was in hangover city all day yesterday. Saturday night I had my first drunken, black out experience apparently. So…i started drinking on Saturday MORNING when wilmer cooked breakfast (omelettes and spam…it was very good) for us and for some reason, asked if I wanted to drink whiskey on the rocks with our b’fast. Sure…why not.
So I go back to my house, watch our football game (this is like noon) and drink more whiskey (probably 4 or 5 drinks) until rodney came over about 5 and we watched some more football and had a couple more drinks. He wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate my new position at the bucks or whatever. So we went to dinner at around 630 at machiavelli on the hill. Well, there was a wait to get into the restaurant, so I was like, we can go to chapel and get a drink while we wait. Im already drunk at this point…btw. So we go to chapel and I have 2 martinis in like 20 minutes and we go back to the restaurant to get our table. We end up having 2 bottles of wine with dinner. I am TRASHED at this point and its like 8 oclock.
So we leave the restaurant and go to this gay bar called the elite near my house and call this bear couple that are friends of ours, brian and claudio to meet us. And also called wilmer to come meet us there. This is the point where I don’t remember what happened from here on out. Apparently I was ordering all 5 of us doubles of makers and coke…and insisted on paying for everyones drink. And we all had 3 double drinks…which equals out 6 regular liquor drinks. So yesterday morning I wake up in my bed…with rodney and have no clue how I got there. Rodney catches me up on everything that I did after we left the bar. Apparently we left and I was tripping wilmer the whole way home and pissed him off and he left…decided to take a leak in the little park by my house b/c I apparently couldn’t hold it to my house. Wanted to get in my truck and drive to the cuff and apparently was really nasty when he wouldn’t let me drive my car there. I asked him if I closed my tab at the bar b/c I have no recollection of doing so and he said yes and I went to look for my wallet…it was there…and so was a receipt…with a $160 bar tab! Yep.
So to put it lightly…she got really messy drunk apparently. I didn’t even see it coming. So yesterday I felt like sha-poopie all day. I watched a complete NASCAR race on my couch for 4 straight hours…which I think made me dizzy and kind of sick. Then I watched the bird cage to counter act all the testosterone I collected from watching the race. I did leave my house once to go rent a movie…baby mama…which is a terrible movie. Don’t waste your time.
by Buzz
Red Robin, tears and crotch grabs
To make a long story longer, work was awkward. He asked me out multiple times throughout the next few months. I shut him down each time, but always wondered what date 2 would have been like with smelly crotch grabber. I’ll never know.
by Red Is Fine
The Power of Prayer and a Truck on a Lift Kit
Now don’t get me wrong. I like a “man’s man” kind of man but I do usually keep a safe distance unless I lack the proper tools or muscle power to work on my own car. The other night I decided to go beyond my comfort zone, date a mechanic – my mechanic; and explore the aspects of dating someone worth calling the “King of Kong’s – A Man’s Man”.
It was a beautiful late summer evening. The sky glowed from the sleepy amber sun and the air was crisp as a freshly picked apple. My date promptly arrived with a large bouquet of dahlias. Yes dahlias. A variety of dahlias that Vivienne Westwood on acid would have appreciated. Mismatched and uncertain. I thus moved forward with splitting the bouquet into much more tolerable arrangements. Some would call it obsessive, others might call it “in good taste”. [speaking in quotations is another form of obsessive behavior.] (speaking parenthetically is also another form).
While I rearranged the flower arrangement he commented on my kitchen window and how it would be so easy to climb up and slip a butter knife under the lock to get into my home while I was sleeping. I thought about what he said. I questioned whether his M.O. was to make me more aware of my safety or to scare the daylights out of me. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Afterall, why would I go on a date with a psycho?
As we enthusiastically drank sangria on my front porch, I looked to my driveway to see a rather large white Dodge Ram Pick-up presented on a lift kit. This is what’s called “red flag numero uno”. The first sign, the technicolor bouquet, was simply an orange alert. Red flag numero uno, the said truck, continued to surprise me with it’s die cut chrome flame grill. Oh yes. It was, ladies and gentlemen, the Kid Rock of trucks in all it’s glory of die cut flamedness. All it was missing was a hood ornament of some bar chick getting balled from behind.
We finished our drinks while discussing the skills and craft works of Bobby Flay, McFlay…whatever he’s called…My date loves the confused Irish Southwesterner Food Networking McChef. Appalling but anyway, It was time to set out for dinner. I was dying to get into that sweet ride of his anyway. I directed him to this lovely Vietnamese hideout in the International District. God knows that an ex-marine with giant bad tattoos must long for inappropriate flashbacks of a war before his time. He must want to have Vietnamese food. Right? I know that it’s wrong for me to say that out loud but it fits the bill for the evening because god only knows. Right?
oh god….
We ordered our food. He filled in the waiting time with talks of things I’ve been blocking out until now. I vaguely remember visions of being barefoot and pregnant while handing him a Tsingtao on our front porch made of cinder blocks. Uh, huh. Yup. He was speaking in tongues and talking about our future plans.
This is what I call “red flag numero dos”.
Our waitress brings us our bountiful food. It’s beautiful and fresh and ready to be in my gullet so I can avoid any conversation whatsoever. I lifted the fresh summer roll to my eager mouth and looked across the table to see bowed before my eyes a high and tight shaven head praying to our lord jesus christ.
Oh.My.Hell.Hole.
When he finished his blessed blessings for the bountiful blessed Vietnamese food, he said, looking directly at me, “OK” as if to say it’s okay to eat now that the lord hath given us permission.
I lowered the said summer roll, quizzically tilted my head and unknowingly put on a fart face and asked “Were you just praying?” He replied “Yes. I’m a good Catholic boy”.
This is what is called “red flag numero tres”.
By then I had deduced the date was over and I never want to:
I learned the power of prayer. It’s powers beseeched me into a fart faced cynical woman and thrust me even further into bourgeois modernhood (comparitively speaking). What is still yet to be discovered is the power of a truck’s lift kit. I guess when earth is ruled by apes I will know. Catholic apes that is.
May the real King Kong rest in peace. RESPECT.
by Ghost Dater v1.2
ok cupid
sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart… since i am supposed to be 74% your friend, im gonna do what it seems none of your other friends will do. tell it to ya’ straight. its great to show you have a personality and can be quite the joker, but please put a photo up that is flattering. get someone to help you. you can be chubs and cute if you put forth the effort. nobody needs to tell you to loose a few. you know this. A. update your glasses frames B. update the haircut C. whatever you do, throw away every turtleneck you own. do not wear them. ever.
68% MATCH74% FRIEND11% ENEMY
more from match
i got this today. no subject and all it says it “hi there!” wtf? seriously dude. get creative and are you sure you are cycling? is your pic just old and from your bloated era or do you have a big face/head on a spindly cyclist body? oh, and i don’t know if you simply didn’t notice or just don’t care, but your picture is BLURY!
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| cycling_dude360 39-year-old man
hi there!
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matchemonium
there will be a series of these as we move along here. sooo much to talk about!
33-year-old man
Seeking: Women 20-45
“how are you. YOu realize if you doesn’t stop being hot IM
not going be held responsible.
I mean im usually highly resistant to such charms but in
the face of what I saw on your profile I am but a leaf in a
tornado. But I am so trying to get out of the tornado. YOu
cant just do this to me and not expect me to not fight. YOu
need to tone down your hotness. If I deliver 25 pies to you
, will you eat them to gain some weight because then I can
be like cool its easier to resist her now
your soo sooo bad
yknow that 
“
ME- auto response- “no thanks due to location, physical
attraction and personality.”
ick right. this guy is disgusting. i chose not to respond at all
until he would not leaveme alone. sending me msg after msg.
i mean he sent me like 3 variations of that nasty
msg before i responded. i was finally thinking. “fuck off dood!”
SEAN007- ”but I’m prettier than you!”
ME- ” sean! i found you the perfect match and for only $19.99.
i bet it will go great in your sexy, uber cool, contemporary bachelor pad. put
it on the ceiling above your bed even! i bet you have poly/silk sheets. ewww
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one week, 3 dates and a random face mashing
yep, that was my week. im not a total slutbag. i swear. its just that i would love to meet someone i connect with and these people are asking me out. unless i see a REAL reason to turn them down i keep and open mind and go with it. ride the wave. the ratio of bad to successful dates is glum. something great is around the corner. has to be.
date #1 is a match with teach. we met at lala’s. lala’s is such a great place for that. dark, great juke box,, people watching and you can smoke! the problem is that hot pockets was there!!! “hot po-ck-ets” (singing) one of the first match dates i went on was with hot pockets. the guy seemed interesting. we like the same music, his picture was cute though only showed his face and only 2 pictures posted. always a RED FLAG. i thought what the hell. maybe he’s chubs or just doesn’t have pics. any ways, somehow in the beginnings of conversation we get on the subject of groceries and it surfaces that his diet consist of things such as hot pockets and bagel bites. im not a total food snob, but i am surely not going to eat that shit daily let alone try to woo someone over my taste in junk food. and yes, he was/is chubs.
ok, so teach is super sweet and we had a great time. out of excitement for an adult connection and that he is super in to me i went for it full force. i even decided to grow up and get over the fact that he has an insane man coat. i mean serious bear. we hung out 3 days in a row. the red light started flashing when the third date consisted of watching baseball on the sofa and barely speaking. well, other than a 4 hour convo about how many different ways he could say he didn’t want to date anyone else and pause for my reaction. most of us know that you just don’t do that on the third date. i mean come on. you can feel that way, but use caution with saying it or at least HOW you say it. like maybe mention it once in a cute way. i made the mistake of saying such two weeks into hanging with someone i was really in to. he was already a bit of a man whore but my saying that i didn’t want to share him put a fire under his trot to the hills plentiful of lady lumps and sugar bumps. needless to say, now i am trying to figure out how to nicely and honestly say i am no longer interested.
random – saturday i went to a huge dance party and ran into an old friend. a year or so ago he an i went on one date and then he kinda blew me off. i wasn’t devastated and we have always been cool with each other. this time we were both wasted on whiskey, beer and nostalgic music. we made out like teenagers on the dance floor. WTF? how old am i?
date #2 wed i made plans with a friend from houston. we both grew up there. now that we live in the same city after 10 years we are trying to hang out. he used to have a huge crush on me, but i got married, divorced and was not super attracted to him physically. he has always looked like a little boy. suddenly he is starting to fill out a bit and man it up in the physical sense. keeping my eyes open with this one. he has a good job (brain doctor!), smart, cute and when he relaxes we have a great time. if i don’t find the attraction soon im gonna have to cut the line though. just friends sorta thing. its not fair to him and i know what its like being on that end. lame.
date #3 was last night. this situation is pretty much the same as #2. this guy is super sweet, cute, talented and we have a ton of mutual friends. i love hanging out with him but i am just not finding the attraction. i gave both of these doods a peck goodnight after our dinners. is that ok? i don’t want to lead them on, but i also felt like what the hell, i had a good time and a peck is a peck, nothing more. i just don’t want to jump his bones. physical attraction is very important. especially when it comes to sex because its one of those things that tends to dwindle over time. the sex tends to get better, but you have a lot less of it. so i figure its best that you want to eat each other up at first right? can such a thing grow with time? hrrrmmm…
tonight i have a date with “random” we will see what happens.
key to the city
whellp, this has been a long time a’ coming. i moved here a few years ago heartbroken, rabid for distraction and eager to start the next chapter. wearing heavy armor i charged the scene. great job, high school skinny, fantastic apartment, finally learning how to play my banjo, the financial flexibility to embark on my own business and fabulous new friends. now to find my dream-boat using my new and improved dood filter. (or so i thought) little did i know i had arrived to never never land to have my hopes nearly shattered. though the dating has not been bright, it certainly has been colorful. WHERE IS MY DREAM-BOAT!?
for starters, lets talk about T-Rex. not the awesome Marc Bolan. my gal pal calls him that because his arms are disproportionally short, shoulders narrow and his head large and teethy. its like with anyone. we wouldn’t lash out with such childish meanery if he hadn’t been an ass. you should probably keep that note in mind throughout the entirety of this blog. moments of bruised egos often lead to lashings. any ways. so i met rex on, yes, the inter-web while scoping out never land folk in effort to reconnect with any old friends so as to have some connections upon my arrival. i don’t quite remember how conversation got started, but friendly, humorous banter became a large chunk of my day and evolved into phone conversations. i hate talking on the phone, but was excited and welcomed the encouragement. things went so well that he went to look at apartments for me and i rented on his word. He met me at my place as soon as i got to town and had a plant and dog bone waiting for me and my pup. practically dreamy right! well, two days later he is not answering my phone calls and tells me that i want a serious relationship that he is not ready for. WTF? copout? i NEVER led anyone to believe i wanted a serious relationship. shit, i was in the midst of a divorce. maybe it was that he couldn’t get it up? i was cool about it? why is it that a guy can’t just say ” i was super excited about you and then when it came to the reality of you being here, i think its best that we are just friends.” seriously. i don’t know about everyone else, but i prefer blunt honesty over some bullshit blame throwing.
that was my key to the city. welcome.
where to start?
a few fabulous ladies and myself will be sharing our stories of dating and relationships. part of me wants to call it the trail of tears. tears of laughter from the utter ridiculousness that often occurs as well as the heartache and loneliness that seems to all to often settle right at home. we are in the midst of a gold-rush. a heart of gold that is. (songs been in my head as of late. i love you neil. mmmpuah…)
xo-fancy
